I am a very private person and you will rarely hear me tell anything that's deeply personal but Relay for Life is coming up and it brings me memories of a patient and his family that I adored. I will tell anyone reading this, there is no happy ending but this is my way of grieving for him. Putting it on "paper."
A few years ago I admitted a 49 year old male patient. I will call him Jeff. Jeff was newly diagnosed with a primary glioblastoma. An extremely aggressive brain tumor usually found in male adults. The prognosis for these tumor's, even with treatment, fall anywhere from 6 months to a few years. Though each case is different, there is no cure. Only extreme options.
Jeff was a happily married man with four children. He was a teacher and a youth football coach. He and his family lived several states away but our hospital is known for cancer treatment and he came here to have the tumor removed.
Jeff came to us, weeks after his operation, to recover and hopefully get some rehab in before going home. Removing as much of the tumor as possible had left Jeff without function on his left side, slurred speech, blurry vision. Unable to walk any distance without help. This big, strong vibrant man was struck down by a tumor the size of a golf ball.
Every day we worked with Jeff, trying to increase his motor functions, his ADL's, just his quality of life. Jeff's mind was still very much intact but his physical functions were not. This hurt him. He was a prideful, hard working man. It broke his spirit.
Me being me, I became attached to him. I made him laugh, I harassed him non-stop. I fed him, talked to him, sang with him, watched games with him. I fell in love with the relationship he had with his wife. It was humbling to see. I like to think we became close.
One Wednesday, he was doing so very good that his family wanted to drive his kids in to see him the weekend. The doctors approved this. We made plans, decorated his room. He was so happy at the thought of seeing his children. I'll never forget the smile on his face. Ever.
That night his wife pulled me out of the room to thank me. I told her she didn't have to thank me for doing my job. She told me "You gave him back his dignity." and I broke down. She said I didn't treat him like he was dying and I didn't treat him like he was handicapped. I understood the words he was trying to say, even with his slurred speech. I just could not stop crying. I think I knew then but didn't want to believe.
I was off on that Thursday so I didn't get to see Jeff. Late Thursday night, into Friday morning before I came in to work, Jeff had a seizure. They are always a possibility after this type of surgery but he had done so well, we believed he was past the worry stage. He wasn't. An hour before I arrived at work, Jeff had been moved to the ICU and put on life support. I went to check on him as soon as I could. His wife, the strongest woman I've ever met, was standing stoically outside of his room. She didn't have to tell me. I knew he was gone. The seizure had robbed him of all brain function, leaving him a vegetable. The doctors had talked with her about removing his life support and she had agreed. It was only a matter of time. She told me that this was God's way of leaving her children with only the best memories of their father. His smile, tucking them in, teaching them football. Even the girls. It was God's way of taking away the suffering that was still to come with this type of cancer. She cried, I cried. I don't think I've grieved for a patient like this before. He felt like family.
I was so angry. He didn't get to see his kids and they didn't get to say goodbye. I just kept telling myself over and over that his wife was right. They deserved to remember him as he loved them. With a smile as bright as sunshine.
I hate cancer. I hate everything about cancer but I will always love Jeff and the memories I have of being able to take care of him. Of making him laugh. Of understanding him when no one else could. I'll never forget you Jeff and I thank God I was blessed to take care of you.
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